family matters
by zyniker
Summary: *completed* harper centered fic. old friends always mean pain and trouble
1. prologue

Prologue to my first andromeda story. Was posted before.  
  
Disclaimers: don't own anything.  
  
  
  
/ Do you remember Chloe from time to time?  
  
\ Of course, she belonged to my crew.  
  
/ I do, too.  
  
\ Oh, Harper.  
  
/ No, I don't mean it like that. I mean, I don't whether she's alive or how she's living, but somehow I think, I would feel it, if she died.  
  
\ What's then?  
  
/ Didn't matter where we've been she used to wake me around 4 o'clock.  
  
\ Why at 4?  
  
/ She said it's our time. But the truth is, at 4 the nightmares are worst. In these hours we used to talk about everything.  
  
\ I know.  
  
/ You know?  
  
\ Yeah, I've seen you once on the bridge of the Maru.  
  
/ Oh.  
  
\ You were cute. Something between an old married couple and siblings.  
  
/ She should have stayed.  
  
\ You know what Trance said; her place wasn't with us.  
  
/ But with me.  
  
\ Harper.  
  
/ No, I need her Beka.  
  
\ Why?  
  
\ Why now?  
  
/ We used to play this game for hours. It was stupid. I mean, someone started with an illness they had and the other had to top it with another illness.  
  
\ That's sick.  
  
/ Sure, but that was our surviving.  
  
\ What?  
  
/ Things can be so bad you have no idea whether you can stand it, but you'll survive cause there are worse things out there you have yet to experience.  
  
\ Harper, you'll survive.  
  
/ That's not my point. Not really.  
  
What's it then?  
  
/ She used to tell me that my body sucks because of this whole immune system crap. I mean, I hate my body for being so weak. Would I be like Tyr I wouldn't be a lost case.  
  
\ It's not your fault.  
  
/ The larvae in my body ain't my fault, too. And I hate them.  
  
\ Okay, but what's got Chloe to do with all this?  
  
/ Dunno, my body sucks. Her body sucks. We could suck together for awhile.  
  
\ You never sucked together. You were loud and frightened and young, Harper. And you're still young. Maybe Chloe could say something or do something to make you feel better, but she's not here. I'm here. I'm with you all the way to hell and back. Maybe you'll meet her again, but till then stop to hate yourself or your body. It's just the time we live in.  
  
/ I just miss her.  
  
I know. But she promised you to find you.  
  
/ Yeah.  
  
\ Then wait for her. 


	2. want to be like tyr

Hm, the first chapter is finally up. I'm so proud of myself and my beta raven who does wonders to my writing discipline.  
  
Okay, everybody knows the disclaimers.  
  
  
  
He ran. He ran as fast as he could with his ten years. But the Magog who was hunting him was faster. He was gasping for breath and a searing pain dug into his side.  
  
He knew he couldn't keep on running. His aching legs slowed down. But the Magog kept on coming....  
  
"Harper, wake up." He heard and felt a soft small hand on his shoulder, shaking him. "C'mon, wake up." He opened his eyes and looked at her. "It's four o'clock", she said and he nodded. She had perfect timing. She always had, even when when they were younger. He ran a shaking hand over his face to clear his thoughts.  
  
"Get up, maybe we can get into some trouble," she told him.  
  
He grinned at her. "Sure, let's go. Maybe we'll get some coffee."  
  
Beka had brought her back just yesterday. She wanted to surprise Harper and she had.  
  
At a first glance, Chloe looked thinner and filthier than ever. But after a hot shower and a good meal her outward appearance seemed normal for a mudfoot. Although Dylan had had offered her one of the VIP-quarters on Andromeda she declined and rather slept in Harper's messy room.  
  
Back on the Maru they used to do this quite often. She used to wrap herself around him and they talked till the feel asleep.  
  
Now they sat in one of the small coffee-kitchens on Andromeda.  
  
She placed a hand on his flat stomach. "Do you feel them?" she asked softly.  
  
"No," he answered honestly. "Sometimes I even forget that they're there. But then it suddenly hits me and I don't know what to do."  
  
She nodded and sipped her hot beverage, her hands wrapped around the warm cup. He looked at her and then pulled her in his lap, in desperate need for physical contact.  
  
"I want to be like Tyr." He mumbled.  
  
She grinned at him. "Let's see. Advantage: you would have really gorgeous hair. Disadvantage: You would have ugly spikes."  
  
"Advantage: I had to sleep with all the women in my pride", he continued.  
  
"Yeah, but you had to wear leather pants all the time." She countered.  
  
He reached behind him and grabbed one of his Sparky cans. "Oh, fucking against leather pants. That's a real tough one. But at least I would have a family."  
  
She flinched. "Believe me, family isn't at fun as they say." He saw the haunted look in her eyes and decided not to push this topic.  
  
Instead, he glanced down at her shirt. "Hey, ain't that my shirt?" He asked and pointed at the old tanktop she wore.  
  
She grinned slyly. "I don't think so", she answered.  
  
"I do."  
  
"I don't." 


	3. troublemakerflahback

"C'mon,Beka, I don't need a doc. I'm perfectly fine. It's just wasted money." He argued. But he wasn't perfectly fine. Quite frankly, he was far from being just fine. But as long as he was going to be touched by a stranger, he was trying anything to avoid showing it. Beka sighed. "Okay, if you're so perfectly fine, fix the slipstream." She made a melodramatic pause and threw her hands into the air. "But hey, you can hardly walk, so how will you get down to the slipstream?" "Please, Boss," he tried again. "In a few days I'll be perfectly fine." "No," she answered coldly. "Get used to the idea of a doc or get off of my ship." With that she left his room. She'd seen the fear in his eyes when she suggested getting a doctor to tend to his newest wounds and infections. Harper was sick so often that it would pay off to hire a full-time doc, or at least a medic. But whenever she brought up this topic, they started to fight. She didn't know what to do. Harper had been onboard the Maru for more than six months now. He even got used to Rev, whom he had to live with. But he still refused to be touched by anybody. He just didn't open up to Beka. "Hey, boss," she heard Harper and turned around. He was leaning against a panel, his face pale and sweaty, his whole body shaking and his backpack in his hand. "I'll leave, okay? Then you don't have to spend your money on a Doc for me." He looked at her. His eyes were more haunted and tired than she'd ever seen them. "Harper, don't do this. Just stay here for a few more days. And then we'll talk about all of this again." She offered him and he nodded weakly, glad to have such a boss. "Bed," he gasped suddenly and collapsed onto the floor. When he woke up again most of his pain was gone. But he couldn't see Beka, instead there was a young girl beside him. "Oh, you're awake," she said and smiled at him. "Where's Beka?" he asked, his confusion evident in his voice. "Oh, she's gone to catch some sleep. The last nights were pretty rough for her, thanks to you." "What do you know?" Harper snapped. She turned around to him with a syringe in her hand. "I know shit about you, but she sat by your side the last few nights and watched over everything I did to your scrawny ass." Harper didn't know what to feel. He knew that Beka cared for him, but he didn't know she would spend nights beside his bed. "Turn around, troublemaker. I have to shoot you." She said in a no nonsense voice, and pointed with the syringe at his ass. "No!" "Yeah," she said patiently. "No." He tried to get away from her, but there was nowhere to go, except right into the wall. "I'll get that in your system. Don't try to fight me, cause in this very moment, I'm a hell of a lot stronger than you," she reasoned with him. 


	4. revpancakes

When Dylan entered the kitchen in the morning, he smelled pancakes. He didn't think he'd ever smell something like this ever again. Nobody ever bothered to cook something like this for breakfast anymore. Beka, Tyr, Trance and Harper were sitting around one of the crew tables and were chatting. "Good morning," Dylan offered. They greeted him with absentminded smiles and nods and went right back to their conversation. Dylan sighed. "Okay, why do we have pancakes?" he asked louder in his captain-voice, so the others had to react to him. Trance looked up. "Chloe made them. They're really good." She said and shoved another full fork into her mouth. Dylan made beeline for the table. "Why does your guest have to cook for the entire crew, Mr. Harper?" Harper gulped down the rest of his pancakes before answering. "First of all, it's not the entire crew. Rev's in his quarters, doing some Divine stuff. Secondly, we're just 5 people. It's not like she has to cook for the hundreds that could be on this ship, and last, but not least, she likes it." "She shouldn't have to serve you," Dylan pointed out. Harper wanted to protest, but Tyr was faster. "Let her cook if she wants to," he growled in his deep voice, which even Dylan didn't dare to contradict. "Hey boss-man, want some pancakes?" Chloe called from the kitchen. Dylan looked at the people he considered his crew who were looking back at him expectantly. He gave in. "Yeah, sure." Chloe gave him a plate and sat down next to Harper. "It's almost like the first time I cooked these, isn't it?" She said. Harper gave a short laugh. "The first time, you almost killed me with these." "You know, it would be a lot nicer of you if you were a little more grateful for having someone around with medical experience." She said and then laughed at Dylan who was looking at his pancakes uncertainly. "I improved." She reassured him. "But you could also wait and see if Harper gets these nasty little pimps on his..." "Chloe," Harper warned her, trying to sound threatening. Beka was the first to laugh at the two of them.  
  
After breakfast Harper went to Rev's quarters. Rev was sitting on the floor, meditating. "Sorry, Rev, didn't want to disturb you," Harper mumbled, and was about to step back out of the room. Rev opened his eyes and faced him. "It's no problem, Harper. Can I help you?" "I just wanted to bring you some of the pancakes." Harper said and gave Rev the plate he was carrying. Rev smiled. "Thank you. She still cooks." "Yeah," Harper grinned. "I think cooking is like paradise to her." Rev nodded. Harper knew he would understand. Rev understood hunger. He understood what it meant to the mudfoot to be able to cook. Harper still stood in his room, watching him. Rev knew what was on his mind. "Harper, you don't have to worry about me. Her fear is understandable." He said. "But it's not right", Harper argued. The first time she had left there hadn't been a choice for him to make between his two close friends, but now things were different and he didn't want to have to choose between her and Rev. "I mean, I see how different you are. You're always in control. You eat rats and fish. You'd never attack one of us. I see this, so why can't she?"  
  
Rev remained silent for a few minutes, shaping his next words carefully. "Thank you for the trust you put in me, Harper," He said. "But not everybody is as intelligent and strong as you are. You can live the dream of the Commonwealth, because you overcame your fear. Fear is a strong feeling, Harper, so don't force anything on her that she doesn't want." "Yeah," Harper mumbled, knowing that this was all Rev had to offer. But Harper wanted so much more. He wanted a life free of fear for Chloe and himself. Suddenly, he heard Trance's voice coming from the intercom. "Trance to Harper." "Yeah?" he answered. "Maybe you should come to sick bay. Chloe collapsed." A shudder of fear ran down Harper's back and he immediately turned towards the door, already worried sick over Chloe. When anybody else collapsed, chances were that they would be walking again in no time. When a mudfoot collapsed, chances were that they would never get up again. "I'll pray for her," Rev, who heard Trance's message, said, trying to sooth Harper's fear. Harper nodded thankfully, before heading towards sick bay. Just before he reached the door, he stopped and half turned back to face Rev. "You're just as intelligent and strong as I am, Rev." He told him quietly. Rev smiled and bowed, accepting the compliment without a word. 


	5. nightmares and stuffflashback

The big Nietzschean stood behind him. Harper could feel him towering over him and didn't dare turn around. His whole body was anxiously shaking from the fear of not knowing what lay ahead for him. The Nietzschean glared at him. Harper could feel his eyes digging into his back. "You know you have to be punished. What would happen if everybody steals food, huh, Kludge? Wanna tell me that?" he hissed, his voice dangerously low. `Humans wouldn't be starving´ Harper thought, but kept his mouth shut. He was already in enough trouble, there was no need to find himself more. "Now, the only question is, what do I do with you?" The Nietzschean asked, pretending to be seriously waiting for Harper's input. Harper bit his lip to keep from answering. He had been in this situation too many times before to think that any word that came out of his mouth would help him. "So quiet, mudfoot? Then let's see what I come up with." His hand trailed down Harper back. A terrifying low chuckle reached his ears. Harper pushed aside his fear and finally found his voice, making a desperate attempt to save himself. "Please don't." He whispered, his voice shaking. The hand on his back didn't stop and that amused, sick laugh didn't cease. His whispers went unheard....  
  
"Harper, wake up, or shut the hell up. I really don't care which one you do, but do it soon or else I'm going to stuff this damn pillow down your throat." Harper heard the familiar voice through the haze of nightmares still clouding his mind. Familiar didn't mean necessarily good, but everything was better than the nightmare he had been caught in. He woke up and immediately jerked away. It was in instinctual response. Slowly his surroundings filtered into his clouded mind. He was onboard the Maru, in his quarters, on his bed. And Chloe was beside him. His mind cleared. Chloe was beside him? He frowned, but then the clausterphobic fear of having someone so close to him made him glare at her. "What do you want?" he asked sharply. She shrugged. "Nothing really. It's just four o'clock," she said and pushed herself off his bed. He considered going back to sleep, but then swore, threw his covers off and went after her. "What the hell do you mean, 'it's just four o'clock'?" He grumbled, still tired and groggy from the lack of sleep. She went into the kitchen and got the coffeemaker running. She shrugged again. "Back on earth I used to wake up at four o'clock to watch the sun rise. It's an old habit." He accepted the Sparky Cola she handed him. "How long have you been off earth?" He asked, almost casually. He had never met another mudfoot. It was weird. It felt strangely comforting to know there was someone who had gone through the same shit he had. She blew into her coffee, the hot steam swirling out of the cup. "Not long enough. About 2 years.You?" He swallowed hard, panic setting in. He had never told her he was a mudfoot. Never mind that he was from earth. "What the hell makes you think I'm a mudfoot?" She looked him up and down. "Was just guessing. Maybe mudfeet recognize each other by their nightmares." "You get nightmares too?" he asked. She flinched and glared slightly. It was the same reaction he had had. "As long as you don't ask about my nightmares, I won't ask about yours. Deal?" Her voice was ice-cold. "Okay," Harper gave in. Although he was still confused, he decided to steer their conversatin to safter topics. He knew better than anyone that there were some things you just didn't talk about. "How did you get Beka to let you stay?" He asked. A tiny smile tugged on the corner of her lips. She wasn't the only one glad about the sudden change of topic. She sipped her coffee. "I didn't. She asked me to stay. I think as long as you stay with her, I'll stay with the food." "And what about the magog?" Harper asked. Chloe had already met Rev, but she'd been terrified when she laid eyes on him and ever since then, did her best to stay out of his way. She gave him a dark look. " That topic is just as off limits as the nightmares." Harper understood. "Okay." They sipped their beverages in silence. It was the first time Harper experienced a comfortable silence. When his can was empty, he got up and yawned. "I'm gonna head back to my room. Maybe I'll get some more sleep." She nodded. "Don't count on it. You know how it is." She smiled at him. "We should do this more often." He smiled back and walked to his quarters, that grin staying on his face the entire way down the corridor. 


	6. tyr gives advice

"Trance, what happened?" Harper asked when he entered the med deck. Trance stopped checking Chloe's lifesigns and went over to him. Her eyes were filled with sadness. With her body she blocked his view of her. Harper frowned and wanted to push past her, but she lightly put her hand on his arm. "I have to talk to you first," she said and he nodded reluctantly. He didn't believe there was anything new she could tell him. After he had noticed the first signs, he had started to watch her closely. He had listened to her coughing in the nights. He had seen the pain in her eyes when she had to make sudden movements. He had held her hair back when she threw up. He had even seen her spit blood once. There was hardly anything new Trance could tell him. "Her lungs are infected." Trance told him. "I don't know what to do about it. There is no information in Rommie's databank." Harper nodded again. Sure there wasn't. Who would bother to give money to do research on some mysterious illness only mudfeet could get? "And the infection in her uterus isn't helping either," Trance said. Harper was stunned. He didn't know about that one. "Why is her uterus infected?" "I think she gave birth to a child." Trance searched his eyes but she got nothing but a blank stare. He ran a hand through his hair as if he was making up his mind about what to do now. "Okay, Trance, could you leave me alone with her for awhile?" He asked. Trance gave him a warning look. "She's weak, Harper." Then she left the room and Harper sat down beside Chloe. He took her small hand in his. "Hey, Chloe." "Hey, Harper." She smiled weakly at him. "We never get far enough away, don't we?" No, they'd never get away from being mudfeet. Harper knew on his own that their pasts were always following. If it wasn't ghosts or demons, it was several illnesses which never let you forget were you came from. But he didn't want to discuss that right now. He closed his eyes to prepare himself for the question he was going to ask.  
  
"Were you pregnant, Chloe?" She turned away from him, hoping he'd forget his question or at least go away. "Were you pregnant?" He repeated. "Yeah," she mumbled, not looking at him. Her fingers absentmindly tore at the frayed edges of her blanket. "By whom?" He asked, forcing his voice above a whisper. He could count the time he forced her to speak to him on one hand. But this was something he just had to know. Something nagged at him from the back of his mind that he already knew the answer, but he clutched that one little strand of hope that he was wrong. She remained silent before she turned around to face him. There was no anger in her eyes. Only sadness. Whether she was feeling sorry for herself or for Harper, he couldn't tell. "By you." She whispered. He blinked. Deep down, he knew he should't be surprised, but it still hit him hard. "Oh my God," he breathed, and let her hand go. Her hand fell limply onto the blanket He swallowed hard and fought to regain his voice. He had to ask her something else. Again he knew deep down that he knew the answer, but he asked anyway. Tormenting themselves was something all mudfeet were born to do. "Where is our child now?" His whisper was barely audible but Chloe had heard him. "She's dead. She didn't make it to her second birthday." Her voice was husky. He got up and paced between her bed and the wall. "How?" The word sounded empty. Like he was asking her how some stupid machine part worked. Not like he was asking her how their child had died. "The same as every mudfoot child; malnutrition, weak immune system." Her voice was empty and carefully void of all emotions. He had taught her that. He had taught her how to keep the blank stare on her face and how to bury every emotion deep inside. The dull ache in his heart threatened to engulf him and he furiously blinked back tears. Instead of sucumbing to despair, he did what he had learned long ago to do. He lashed out in anger. "Fuck you, Chloe," he cried out. "She could have made it if you had stayed onboard the Maru. But no, you had to take off to some backwater planet and kill our child just because you were afraid." She sat up, her eyes flashing and her whole body shaking with rage. "Fuck you, Seamus Zelazny Harper, you have no idea what it is like. You sleep wall to wall with a magog and a Nietzschean. And just because you gave in to the luxury of forgetting all your fears, you still have no right to judge me. At least I didn't betray my folks and myself by forgetting where I come from." They looked at each other in silent shock and anger and despair. Chloe's last words had hurt. Really hurt. She bit her lip and her anger faded as she looked like she was about to apologize or take back those words, but Harper didn't want to let it go yet. He had needed to find a reason to be angry, and now he had found it. "I didn't forget nothing," he hissed and stormed out of med deck, the doors hissing shut behind him. He went right to his quarters and started to work on one of his projects. He didn't know what else to do. Without him noticing, Tyr entered the room. "Hello, little man." He said, his voice soft for the first time. "Tyr." Harper answered not even bothering to look up. "I heard she was your mate." Tyr stated and leaned against a wall. There wasn't much room in Harpers quarter. Too many clothes, too many tools and unrecognizable parts were lying around. "I don't want to listen to your Nietzchean analogies about family." "My survival depends on your mood." Tyr said simply. Harper gave a short, sharp laugh. "I work better when I'm angry." "Okay, so be angry." Tyr said, not moving from his position. "What?" Harper turned around to him. He held the nanowelder like a weapon in his hand. "You think I'm wrong?" "I never said that." "Then what did you say, Tyr?" his voice was sharp. Tyr smiled. He didn't know exactly why. Maybe it was because he could play Harper like a tune or because Harper trusted him enough to let himself be played like a tune. "I suppose she would have been the mother of your child", Tyr stated. "She was the mother of my child." "Yes, the three of you would have been family. But you never got to know your daughter and now Chloe is everything that's left of your possible family." Harper ran a hand though his spiky hair. "And if you were me, Tyr? If your child would have died of something you could probably have prevented from happening, what would you do?" Tyr shook his head, dismissing the subject "I'm Nietzchean." Harper turned around to his project, slamming the nanowelder onto the table. "Yeah, I forgot, you got special rights." "No," Tyr said. "But we don't have to fall in love to have a family." Harper flinched. "I never fell in love with her." "But you love her?" "Yeah", he mumbled. Tyr pushed himself away from the wall he had leaned against. "But this has nothing to do with your current situation. It doesn't matter whether you hate her or not for what she's done. In a few days she'll be dead." Harper looked at him, the pain clearly visible in his eyes. "You are cruel, big guy." Tyr nodded and left the room. 


	7. nightmares, sex and goodbyeflashback

"Wake up, Harper!" She shook his shoulder. He groaned tiredly, although he was used to this by now. "What's up, Chloe?" In the beginning, when she started to wake him in the middle of the night, he thought it was because of his nightmares. But now he wasn't so sure about it anymore. She sat up in his bed. Her tank top clung to her body soaked with sweat. "I think you've got a fever." He didn't want to know whether she was right. He didn't feel feverish, but mostly he didn't feel sick until every breath hurt. "Okay, let's go to the med room", he said and looked at her. He had to bite his lip to keep himself from asking questions. He never asked her about her nightmares if she didn't start first. It was like a silent agreement; never ask, just listen. "Can I ask you a favour?" she asked when he sat down on the bed in the medical room. He nodded. "Sure, Chloe."She was rummaging around in a drawer, not meeting his eyes. Harper could tell she didn't want to say what she had to say. "I need to leave," she whispered, her eyes glued to the syringe she was preparing. Harper was stunned. "What?" He asked. Harper wasn't surprised. Well, not really. He didn't know why. Maybe because he had seen the signs. He'd always been good at watching people. "I can't stay here anymore." She injected him the mixture of vitamins, proteins and other things that helped to stabilize his system. "What? Why?" He asked again. It was like a game; the longer he didn't understand the longer she had to explain things to him and couldn't leave. She put the hypo down and looked at him. She knew exactly what game he was playing. "Don't fuck around with me, Harper. I want to leave." He ran a hand through his hair. "I know, Chloe. But you have to have pretty good reasons for that. I mean the Maru is like paradise for kludges like us." She snorted and sat down beside him. "How can a ship with a magog onboard be paradise?" "That's it?" Suddenly it became all clear to him; her nightmares, her silence when the magog was around, her hunted eyes. She nodded. "Yeah, and I don't know what to do about it. I mean, I don't wanna leave the Maru and Beka." She paused. "And you, Harper. But I'm sick of being scared." Her lips trembled. He knew she was going to cry, so he pulled her closer. "We'll find a way to fix this, Chloe. I know we will," he said, even though he knew neither of them believed that. And then he kissed her. He didn't know why. He wanted to comfort her. He wanted to give her reason to not leave him. She gave in his kisses and his hands. They made love to each other on the tiny, uncomfortable cot for the first and the last time. And it still didn't change anything. She left the next morning. Harper stood at the closed door for a long time to look after her. Maybe she'd come back. She had to. She had to come back for him, and Beka, and the Maru. Or maybe she'd left something here which she had to come back for. She'd come back. She had to. Hours later, he was still standing there, staring at the door with wild hope in his eyes. Beka came up behind him and quietly looked at him, pity and sadness clouding her eyes. "She's gone,"Beka said after a while. "I know," he gave her that fake smile filled with the brightness his heart didn't feel. But the smile wavered and faded when his despair took over. "But she shouldn't have had to leave. I mean, how often have you seen a kludge with long hair? Huh? Only Nietzscheans have long hair. But she did it back on earth, just to fucking annoy them. And now for the first time in her life that she could do what she wants, she was too afraid." Softly, Beka put a hand on his shoulder. "I know." There wasn't much more too say. Harper looked at her. "She promised to come back," he whispered, his voice choked with tears. Beka nodded. "Well if she promised, then you know she'll come back one day. Maybe not soon, but she'll come back. Trust her." 


	8. forgive me, i didn't know

She found him on the Maru. He was staring at the coffee machine in the kitchen like it would give him some of the answers he so desperately needed. "Hey," she whispered. She didn't want to speak. It was too close to screaming. "Hey," he answered without looking at her. She sat down beside him, not touching him, not looking at him. "I'm sorry," she said, barely audibly. "What for?" He asked, although he knew the answer better than she did. "For making this decision for you. She was your daughter and I had no right not to tell you about her." He nodded. She expected him to say something, anything, but he kept silent.  
  
"I'm sorry," she repeated. He blinked. "I know, Chloe. And I want to think you were right. But apparently it doesn't matter what I want." An angry edge had crept into his voice. "What?" "I want children. I want lots of them. And I wanted to have them with you. I wanted to find us a place that was safe. I wanted to build a house for us. You could have gone to work and I would have taken care of the children. I would have built them toys and stuff." He paused and took a deep breath before he could continue. "That was the only dream I ever had about the future." "And now I destroyed that dream." She whispered. He nodded tiredly. "You know, I thought about telling you the whole time. Even when she was still alive. But I wanted to save you from this pain." He put one hand of his on hers. "I just wanted someone who looks like me. Someone where you can tell just by looking at them that they are related to me." Her eyes drifted onto the table and she looked like she didn't know whether to say anything. Finally, she shifted around a little and glanced up at him. "She looked like you," Chloe said. She pulled a flexi out of one of her pockets. "Here. These the only pictures I have of her." Harper smiled when he saw the pictures. "She really looked like me." He put an arm around her and pulled her closer. "You know when you die..." She put a finger on his lips. "Don't, okay? Don't tell me you won't be able to move or talk or to mourn me. I can't take this pain away." "Yeah, you can't," he said and they fell in silence. 


	9. the end

He was tired. In ages he hadn't been so tired. The days after he had found out that he had a daughter were pure struggle to him. Even after he had cleared thing out with Chloe. There was too much to be said or done. He just wanted to sit down and spend time with her. Everybody wanted to talk to him, except for Beka. Whereas the other tried to comfort him and make him smile Beka kept her distance. They didn't understand that she wasn't dead yet. A part of his family was still alive. And he wasn't ready to mourn her, before she was really gone. Chloe died a quarter to 4 o'clock. She died in his arms. For a few minutes Harper laid beside her, cradled her body into his arms, did nothing. But then he got up and went to the kitchen on the Maru. He got the coffeemaker running and sat down. "Wanna talk?" Beka asked. He hadn't heard her coming. She sat beside him, carefully avoiding body contact. "Dunno", he answered. The coffee smell spreading in the small kitchen. "Doesn't matter. I'm here." He gave her a weak smile. "I know, Beka. You're always here." She returned his smile. "That's my job." They fell in silence. A long time ago Beka had learned to bear his silence. Finally he broke it. "You know, you can see thousand of people die and feel nothing. And then one comes into your life, hangs around a bit and dies and you don't know whether you can get up again." "You will." He didn't give a response. He didn't argue. "You know I trusted her, because you did." Beka searched his face for feelings that didn't show. "I trusted her", she started slowly, "Because she treated you with such careness. She knew how to defeat every damn virus or so that made it into your body. And I don't want to see you die, because of something your body could have coped with under other circumstances." Harper nodded. He knew of Bekas fear to loose him. But they both knew one day he'd leave Beka. You can't fight forever. "She said I made it on my own long enough now. And the larvae wont kill me, cause now it's your turn." Beka smiled. "Trust her." Suddenly Harpers eyes filled with tears. For the first time he looked directly at Beka. "I don't know how", he whispered. The tears came running down his cheeks, heavily sobs escaped his lungs. Beka cradled him into her arms. She rocked him softly and he clung to her as if she was his last lifeline. "I don't know what to do, Beka", he cried. She tried to comfort him as best as she could. "Ssch, Harper, give yourself time to mourn for her. Nothing hurts as much as family." Harper pulled himself away from her. "Chloe didn't want to be my family." "Oh, Harper", she swept his tears away with her thumbed and cursed Chloed for giving Harper so much pain. "You can't choose family. Either you are or not. And she was family. She was part of our family." He looked questioningly at Beka. "You think we're family?" She put one of her hands over his. "Course." She smiled at him. There was something reassuringly in her smile. "You know, I'll help you to get up again, cause that's what family does." Harper nodded and Beka knew he had understood. Although Harper was the one who was closest to her, Chloe had also been a part of her crew and family. As long as Harper himself was so in torn and in pain she would be strong for him. But one day she'd probably mourn Chloe herself. Everybody had their own demons. But life was about finding someone to fight these demons with. 


End file.
